In Memory
by GetUrJollies
Summary: He didn't remember, though, to think that maybe Johnny was somewhere looking out for him. That maybe Johnny was the reason he hadn't killed himself. He didn't think that, from wherever he was, Johnny sent him a gift. Johnny/Pony. Daniel/Pony. Slash!
1. Preface: Remembrance

**Preface**

**Remembrance**

He could remember the feelings that had been rushing through him when he came to, next to the half frozen fountain. He remembers when he rolled over and opened his eyes to see Johnny Cade holding a knife that was dark to the hilt. He remembers the pure fear and panic piercing into little Johnny Cade's eyes. He remembered how he had reached out and pulled the smaller boy to his chest and how Johnny had fisted his shirt and cried. How that boy had wailed like a babe and how he himself held tighter, trying to engulf the kid in calm.

He remembered the freight train and how he layed his head in the other boys lap and slept. He remembered the dew covered grass when they leapt from the engine. He remembered the rolling, green hills of Jay, Oklahoma. He remembered the tractor and the old man's southern drawl, pointing to the mountain. He remembered the dust, the glass and the strange whining noises of the old abandoned church. He remembered the cold stone floor that only seemed to warm when his arms were wrapped around the shaking body lying next to him.

He remembered Johnny's peddle soft, bottom lip quivering. The sobs and sniffles that escaped the older yet smaller boy would fill each and every night. He remembered the bony body against him, in his arms, as it racked with tremors and uncontrollable whimpers escaping Johnny's raw throat. "Shh, Johnny…" he would say as he held him, trying to calm the other boy down, "you're going to be okay. I won't let anything thing happen to you."

He remembered waking up to a low whistle that ended with a high note. How Johnny walked in with a small smile and a brown box. Inside the box there had been boloney, bread and candy bars, there was something else too but Johnny kept in his hands and turned to the other boy. "I remember how you like to write so much," Johnny whispered timidly as he held out a notebook and a pack of pens in front of him, "I thought maybe you would like it since we pretty much got nothing to do out here." He hugged Johnny to his chest and whispered his thanks over and over again. He wrote everything that had led up to them in the church and he wrote in it every night he was there.

He remembered the sunset. The silver mist and pink and gold hues of the sky. He remembered reciting poetry to Johnny and how Johnny had blushed and how his black eyes had twinkled. He remembered the butterflies that had arose in his stomach and how his chest had tightened. He remembered walking to Johnny and taking his small tanned hand and intertwining their fingers. How he leaned in and touched his lips to the Johnnycakes rosy top lip. He remembered Johnny's wide eyes and how he thought Johnny didn't feel the same; he started to walk away when Johnny's small fingers wove themselves through his hair and brought him back down for another kiss.

He remembered how the kisses became more heated and needier. How they had led up to them being bare and pressed against each other. He remembered how smooth Johnny's skin was around the scattered bruises and scars that littered his small body. He remembered how tight and warm Johnny was around him. He remembered Johnny whimpering and writhing and begging for more under him. He remembers how they had reached climax in unison. How Johnny had smiled genuinely for the first time in years during the afterglow; how Johnny kissed him hard and long, filled with love and passion. He remembers when he told Johnny he loved him and Johnny said _I love you_ back.

He remembered _Gone with the Wind _every night. How Johnny would marvel over each chapter with wide eyes like a small child. How the small boy would excitedly asked him to read more topping it off with a kiss on the cheek. How Johnnycake would cuddle up against him and close his eyes and listen to his voice read about the southern gentlemen who rode into sure death because they were gallant. "Those ol' guys remind me of you…" Johnny whispered one day with his eyes still closed, he had asked Johnny why he would think a thing like that, "because you're brave," Johnny had answered smiling up at him. "You've pretty much saved me from myself."

He remembered being kicked awake by Dally one morning just so he and Johnny would be pulled into a T-Bird and jerked around in their seats by Dally's crazy driving. He remembers Dairy Queen, banana splits and barbecue sandwiches. He remembered the smell of smoke as they rounded the corner back to the church. He remembered the black cloud that hovered over the orange flames that licked the inside of the old decrypted building.

He remembered telling Johnny to stay put before he ran into the building to help the kids. He remembered grabbing a kid and turning around just to see Johnny there grabbing a couple of kids and gently tossing them out the window. He remembered yelling for Johnny to get out as the roof started to cave in only to have Johnny pushed him out. He had tried to run back in but he was pulled back by Dally who belted him hard on the back. He remembered hearing Johnny's blood curdling screams before everything went black.

He remembered waking up in an ambulance, greeted with high pitched squeals of the siren. Before he even got his eyes open he found himself sobbing and crying for Johnny. He was shushed by the large man sitting next to him. He remembers the feeling of dread spreading through him soon after when the man said Johnny wasn't too good and they had him on plasma. He remembers watching Johnny, unconscious and burnt, being rolled past him on the gurney in the hospital waiting room.

He remembered seeing Johnny in the hospital the next day. How the first thing Johnny said when he walked through the door was _I love you_. He remembers how little Johnnycake had sobbed and sputtered, saying he didn't want to die. Saying that there were so many things he hadn't done yet or seen he hadn't enough yet. He remembered crying with his lover because he knew, he understood. He didn't want Johnny to die either. For a while he convinced himself Johnny wouldn't.

He remembered the rumble. The blood and the pain that Johnny never liked. He remembered being kicked in the ribs repeatedly. He remembered the Mustangs and Corvairs speeding out and as soon as they were gone he was running to his Johnnycake. He remembered the rain then the cold sterile air of the hospital rushing past him in a blur until he was next to Johnny who was lying on the hospital bed barely conscious.

He remembered how Johnny hadn't given him a chance to say anything how he had whispered his farewell. "I love you Ponyboy… Stay gold." And just like that, Johnny let out his air in a strangled gasp and closed his eyes for the last time. He remembered begging at the top of his lungs until he was escorted out where he was met with Darry and Sodapop who took him home. He remembered refusing to eat, even when he was conscious.

He remembered the letter. He remembered the poem. The knife. The train. The mountains. The church. The stone floor. The brown box. The journal. The moans. The smoke. The flames. The children. The screams. The darkness. The sirens. The tears. The blood. The farewell.

He didn't remember, though, to think that maybe Johnny was somewhere looking out for him. That maybe Johnny was the reason he hadn't killed himself. He didn't think that, from wherever he was, Johnny sent him a gift.

He forgets a lot of things. Things he can't handle, things that aren't important and things that he doesn't even bother to think about. But Johnny Cade was something his mind was on all the time. He couldn't forget. He didn't want to forget.

Ponyboy would always remember.


	2. Chapter 1: Staying Grey

**Chapter One**

**Staying Gray**

Ponyboy woke up to a loud bang and dragging sound. He squinted his eyes against the sun that shined through the window and groaned slightly. He knew this day would be just like any other day, it would be long and drawn out. It was going to be miserable again, he knew this. He was miserable every day, he knew how it was gonna play out. He knew that in a couple of minutes Sodapop was gonna come in and tell him it was time to get up, he knew he was gonna be lead to the kitchen where Darry would sit food in front of him but he wouldn't eat it, he knew he was gonna follow the guys around the whole day, and he knew it was all gonna happen again tomorrow.

He thought maybe he would change up the schedule and get up by himself. He grabbed some fresh clothes from the chest of drawers and went to take a shower. He turned the faucet as hot as it would go without scalding himself. He let the steaming water fall over his body and semi-relax his tense muscles. He never relaxed completely not ever since a certain night that had enabled him to relax ever again. No matter how much the guys tried to talk him away from the memories he couldn't forget. He couldn't seem to forget the jeans jacket folded and laying in a small box at the bottom of his closet or the half filled journal and packet of half used ink pens under his mattress.

The numbness that worries Sodapop and Darry was what was helping him cope. Talking less was definitely helping too. Sometimes Ponyboy felt like if he opened his mouth to say one word he might lose it. The guys tried to get him to talk and he wishes they would stop but telling them so would cause him to speak and if he'd try to explain he would fall apart. He knew the guys would understand but he still couldn't talk about it. It hurt way too much.

Despite Pony not talking though, he had a feeling the guys had the gist. The guys knew about everything else anyway. Yes, the guys knew about Ponyboy and Johnny, that's why they were so gentle with Pony. Even Steve and Dally were nice about it. No one had seen anyone get so cut up about anything in their lives, they were upset too but Ponyboy was taking it hard. They all understood when Pony had mumbled what happened in his half-conscious stupor. They had been shocked but they didn't mind, which was surprising.

Sometimes Pony would just get angry. He would slam doors and punch walls; there were actually a couple of dents in the wall of his room where he hit really hard, so his knuckles were always bruised. He would laugh bitterly at Johnny's last words… _Stay gold, _he thought with venom, _more like 'Staying gray'. _Because that was all he was doing. His life was just a gray haze that he didn't want to pay any mind to but it kept sucking him back in and he couldn't control it. He didn't want to get up in the mornings and he skipped classes. He shouted threats and stole, especially cigarette's but not Kool's because they reminded him too much of burning churches. Ponyboy was becoming a real hood and that worried the rest of the guys.

Pony dried off, got his clothes on then went to the living room which to his surprise was empty. He thought about calling for someone but that would've been stupid so he followed the crash and drag that rang through the air. It led outside so he walked out into the thick, blistering air of Tulsa, Oklahoma. The sun was shining and the pavement burned his bare feet but he didn't care about that. Where was everyone? There was another crash, bang and drag and Pony twisted around to see all the guys walking in and out of the garage of the used-to-be vacant house. They were carrying boxes back in forth between an old beat up car and the small garage.

Ponyboy stood there confused and dumbfounded. Were they actually helping someone right now? Finally Darry noticed him standing there and called him over. "Come and help us with this. We got new neighbors." Ponyboy didn't ask questions and he didn't bother to object so he started to pick boxes up. He figured some heavy lifting and sweat would do him some good.

As he walked in and out of the cluttered garage he noticed the faces that were staring after him. All of the guys were looking at him worriedly but not the usual looks, these were different and that confused him. Ponyboy tried to ignore them and took out his frustration by picking up his own weight in boxes. He was really starting to work up a sweat when a lady with dark hair and a thick Jersey accent came out with a tray of lemonade.

"I thought you boys would like some refreshments." The woman said. She went around the semi circle of hoods handing out glasses of iced lemonade but she ran out by the time she got to Ponyboy. "Oh! I got a new helper. I'm sorry I'll poor you a drink." She rushed into the house. Ponyboy sighed and leaned against the wooden paneling of the house. Soon the woman came back and handed him a drink. "I'm sorry Daniel isn't out here helping you." Pony didn't miss all of the guys' heads snapping toward him. That was weird. "He's just very tired from the long ride from California. He'll be out soon."

Ponyboy took a sip of his drink then remembered to thank the women. "Thank you Mrs…"

"LaRusso." The woman finished for him with a smile.

He gave her a small smile so not to seem rude. "Thank you Mrs. LaRusso."

"No. Thank _you_." She said to all of the boys and that's when the conversations started going and Pony's role in the current situation faded. The rest of the gang chatted with the nice woman as Ponyboy leaned back and continued to sip his drank. He could feel the stick sweat on his back and run down his neck.

"Hey Daniel! Glad you could join us." Pony opened his eyes to see who Mrs. LaRusso was talking to and there he was…

The dark hair and eyes, the tan skin, the baby face and the delicate build. It was Johnny. The shock and the pain humming through Pony at this point were hard to contain. He almost dropped his glass but luckily Sodapop, seeing his distress, came to sit next to him and caught the glass before it slipped out of Ponyboy's hand.

Soda put his hands on Pony's shoulders trying to calm him down but it was too late. Only Soda knew what was going on but it was only a matter of time before Pony lost it.

"Johnny…" Ponyboy whispered so quietly only his brother could hear. His lips were quivering and his eyes stung. What he wanted so badly was standing in front of him and he couldn't reach out and take it.

"I know he looks like Johnny but you gotta calm down." It was getting hard for Pony to breath and he kept repeating _Johnny_ over and over in a hush whisper. Soda looked back at the gang; he had to get Pony away. "I'm gonna take Pony back home. He's had too much sun." The gang knew what he was talking about and nodded.

Soda pulled his little brother up and gently led him to the house. He helped Ponyboy undress and made Pony lay down because he was gonna need to rest now. Soda leaned down and kissed his baby brothers head before leaning against the headboard of their bed, he wasn't gonna leave Pony like this.

Pony layed there, silently crying before falling into an uneasy sleep. Living next to that boy was gonna kill him.


	3. Alert

I'm looking for someone to beta this story so I can re-upload an edited one.

I read through all of my stories including Missing, In Memory and More Than Admiration and, in time, I'd like to finish them. When I was reading I was embarrassed by all of my typos and grammar errors. I would like to post the stories that are easier for my readers to read.

If you are interested in being a beta and getting a sneak peek, comment and I will start emailing you chapters. I would like to get Missing out of the way first, but, I don't know, it really depends on what request I get first.

Thank you!

-Janie


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